To Be Taken More Seriously
I have invited myself onto Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton, in my head.
Here's the transcript:
...the questionairre invented by Bernard Pivot of "Bouillon de Culture."
Lipton-What is your favorite word?
Peter-Sousaphone...spoken with a lisp. The way someone who just got braces would say it.
L-Fascinating. What is your least favorite word?
P-Slacks.
L-What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
P-Gas prices under $2.30 per gallon.
L-What turns you off?
P-Pass
L-Excuse me?
P-I said, pass. Next question.
L-Hmmmm. (To the audience) That's a first here on Inside the Actor's Studio...
P-Eyes on me, Lipton. Let's keep this thing moving, I've got other interviews today.
L-Very well. What is your favorite curse word?
P-Cock-fuck.
L-De-lightful. What sound or noise do you love?
P-ummm...A really chunky skateboard grind that's like...
L-What sound or noise do you hate?
P-I haven't finished answering.
L-Crimany! I do appologize. Please continue.
P-Well, I've lost it now. Next question.
L-(Under his breath) Asshole.
P-What?
L-(Under his breath) You heard me.
P-Did you just call me an asshole?
L-(In a booming voice) What profession other than...
P-Pass
L-FINE! What profession would you NOT like to engage in?
P-(Looking directly in Lipton's eyes.) Fat, bald, talk show host.
(James Lipton flies at me! He pulls a straight razor from his boot and holds me hostage there on stage, right in front of Ellen Burstyn, the fat guy from Rocky, Lipton's Asian wife who hates tattoos, and an auditorium full of bewildered acting students. In my head.)
posted by Peter @ 3:19 PM
8 Comments:
That would be my favorite episode of IAS hands down!!!!!!!!!
James Lipton does indeed take himself verrrry seriously.
Lisa
haha - i love it!
why oh why is this man on television? i prefer to watch will ferrell's lipton rather than the original itself.
Was a time when the show was great but when I tuned in one day and MEG RYAN was on a show called Inside The Actor's Studio, I knew it was time to say goodbye.
Much rather see you on there Peter.
BRILLIANT! I've always wanted to answer the Bernard Pivot questions; maybe I'll steal this post idea one day.
But I won't steal your brilliant pummeling of the sycophantic Mr. Lipton.
Lisa-I'm glad you agree that a hostage situation would be a welcome change.
B.B.-I love everything Will Ferrell does. The first thing I thought of was to put his picture up.
Dale-Thanks. I think Lipton takes a lot of flack, most of it deserved, but I wanted to give him a moment of vengance. In the end it's him holding a blade to my throat.
I used to really love the show. The episode with Donald Southerland...I swear, they could publish a transcript and sell it. It was so inspiring. The "instructional lecture" facade is embarrassing to watch when, in fact, the whole thing's just a regular old promotional circle jerk.
You should try it Beth, it's fun--I mean pummeling James Lipton. Although my bit ends with him taking the upper hand, I like to think that I prevail in the end.
The whole post started with a desire to express my fondness for the word "sousaphone". I don't think I could have answered the rest of the questions.
Oh, I knew you would pull out and be Lipton-torious.
Hope you're watching SNL tonight Peter...Will Ferrell just popped into John C. Reilly's monologue as Lipton on a new episode. You're either an insider or psychic.
I'm only psychic when it comes to John C. Reilly...that's a long story.
I did see that episode. My only complaint is that Ferrel never said "Scrumtrulescent!".
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