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Tony Danza

...and in just moments, this little marketing gem appears:

Enjoy Tony Danza.


Can sloganizer.net help me promote my blog?

Daydream Vaccination-

Daydream Vaccination, the freshmaker.

Daydream Vaccination innovate your world.

Wow. Thanks sloganizer.net!


What major accounts are the folks at sloganizer.net working on these days?

Toyota-

Toyota takes good care of you.


Fuckin-A! Show me more! I can't get enough of sloganizer.net!!

Shame-

Nobody doesn't like Shame.

That's a little weird


A Pail Full of Kittens

There's lots of fun in A Pail Full of Kittens.

Aaaaww. It's effective cause it's true.


Hiroshima

Think Hiroshima.

??????


Love Actually

Love Actually kicks ass.

A little confusing, but...ok.


Crystal Meth

You know when it's Crystal Meth.

You're tellin' me.


Slave Labor

Slave Labor makes me hot.

Now that's just...


Hand Jobs

Jesus loves hand jobs.

I didn't make that one up. You're a sick bastard sloganizer.net!!

I Could Choke Someone

I think I'd like to write a one-act play about a customer service call to a crooked credit card company (redundant, I know). In it, the customer service representative will reluctantly sympathize, on a personal and moral level, with the card holder on the other end of the phone but, out of fear of loosing his/her job, will be unwilling to follow his/her conscience and break protocol.

Frontline did a show about the history of credit cards last night and, like all good editions of Frontline, it made me want to choke somebody and overthrow the government. My play, entitled "This Call May be Monitored", will span a month's worth of calls between the two main characters in which they will learn about eachother and, through the laughter and the tears, will develop a deep trauma bond.

The most disturbing part of the Credit Card Business is The Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC), the federal agency that charters, regulates, and supervises all national and foreign banks in the U.S. These bloated, ineffective motherfuckers have jurisdiction that trumps all state level agencies, who have been super effective at dealing with credit card issues in the past. They use their power to basically let fruad of all sorts go unchecked. Two words--fucking lobbyies. They'll have a big role in my play.

The finale will be a hostage scene where the disillusioned customer service rep.--in India, of course--demands that the card company president, who lives in New York, get on the phone and deliver a personal apology to the beleagured customer. People love hostage scenes. I may stick some cheerleaders in there too--people love looking at cheerleaders. I had one credit card in college. I bought a VCR and a couple casses of Bud Light that, all told, ended up costing me two thousand dollars. This is not to say that I'm totally on the side of the customer. A large percent of people who go broke from credit card debt don't have a leg to stand on. They are adults who practice self deception until it's too late. But, on the other hand, there are MAJOR companies that simply want to cheat you out of money. Like this one company, Providian; oh my God...


My ideal cast would consist of comedic boy genius, Aziz Ansari, and this white guy on the couch.

Test Run/Carol of the Bells

Have you switched to the "new blogger beta" thing? It's basically just a big ad for Google but it's got some neat features. I just switched myself. Let's do a test run, shall we?

For fifty points: What Christmas carol sounds like a charging horde of bloodthirsty pagans sacking a village? That's right, it's...

Carol of the Bells

Hark hear the bells sweet silver
bells

all seem to say throw cares
away

Christmas is here bringing good
cheer

to young and old meek and the
bold

All season long bringing their
song

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
(Merry Christmas)Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas (Merry Christmas)...

Apparently, the tune was adapted from a Ukranian folk song in the 1920's so highfalutin American choirs could could scare the bejeezus out of everybody. It sounds, to me, like the composition of some depressed teenage prince trying to spite his parents, and in a moment of extreme passive aggressive sarcasm the King decreed it a "glorious song of peace" to be sung every Christmas season.

Other things it reminds me of:

1. Footage of the Luftwaffe descending on London.
2. "You Are My Sunshine" lyrics set to the Jaws theme.
3. I don't have a third example. I just needed an excuse to test out the "list " function.

So, that concludes the maiden voyage of the new and improved blogger.com

Different fonts, sizes and styles...it's pretty cool, right?

Here's a Good Reason to not Have Kids

These are called Heelys and by some small miracle they have not yet been the subject of a massive, nation wide, class action lawsuit. The idea behind Heelys, I'm assuming, is that kids don't fall enough and what they need is a virtual banana peel in the heel of each shoe to knock them on their ass whenever their not paying attention.

I encountered these roller-shoes on friday, the day after Thanksgiving, at a crowded pizzeria up the block. I watched as four or five normal looking little girls went from table to table without moving their legs. The reason, I concluded, behind their ability to float was that they were the undead. That was fine with me, so I went back to eating my pizza.

I soon realized that they were sporting roller skate wheels in the heels of their sneakers when a not-so-graceful one of the brood attempted to negotiate the steps leading outside. She didn't fall, but her shaky legs and the fact that she had to clutch the hand rail, belied any pretense of supernatural forces at work.

So, now I'm jealous. This is one hell of a toy! This picture of 25-year old fashion models posing as 15-year old normal people gives me reason to beleive that Heelys may be shooting for an older, albeit female, demographic. Why girls only? Are Heelys just inherently gay? Are they a physical manifestation the phrase "light in the loafers"? I hope not, if for no other reason than I'd like to have the option of being pushed around like a living hand truck whenever the mood strikes.

"And we'll...maaaaaake lots of money!!"

I don't think life gets much more tragic and hilariousthan what appears this clip.

And David Cross agrees with me.